I hate having a crush. Hate it.
Well, I guess I can't really say that, I normally do not mind crushes. But when I get a ...mega-crush, for lack of better wording, I hate it! I'm miserable, and it has only happened three times on record.
The first time was in 7th grade, the tuesday before school ended, when the boy I liked, told me he liked me as well. I pretty much went bonkers. And felt like I could fly (I couldn't), but it wasn't...a miserable feeling? It was quite a giddy one. I guess at that age I wasn't afraid of being hurt. I mean, I was 13, I probably thought we'd get married, have 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence.
The second time, was first semester of freshman year, when I met this amazing guy at a weekend school thing. Long story short, it didn't work out. And it took me about three years to realize it was never going to happen, and I was being ridiculous. Every time I was close to that revelation, he'd say something that'd give me butterflies all over again. But I finally got myself out of that horrendous mess in time for Senior year.
The third time, is now. I have a week left of summer before school starts, my senior year. I went to a conference, and there she was. This however, isn't like the last few times. This is different. Not because she is a girl, that is completely normal. It is just her. She isn't extraordinarily pretty, or smart, or funny, or sexy. (not that I know of anyway). She is just extraordinary. Never have I felt this way. Never has my stomach done flips five days straight. Never have I felt dizzy and light-headed when talking to a girl. Never has this happened to me. I am so insanely into this girl. And I don't even understand why. I mean, there is no way to describe how I feel, except that it is confusing me, and I am not sure if I like it.
So yes, I hate having a "mega-crush", because they never acctually work out, and I always get hurt. But unlike the first two crushes, I can't even talk to her. Which is causing me even more anxiety, and I can't just walk away, because I would never forgive myself for that. I could be missing something amazing, or I could undoubtedly hurt myself.
20 seconds of insane courage. That is all I need to either walk away, or go for it.
I hate crushes.
